


Little Soldier

by itsfaberrytaboo (orphan_account)



Series: Color the Sky [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Age Play, Established Relationship, F/F, Natasha Needs a Hug, Non-Sexual Age Play, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Punishment, Spanking threat, Thumb-sucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 02:09:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6451291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/itsfaberrytaboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do not cry, Natalia. Only children cry.</p>
<p>Sometimes Natalia is naughty, and the past she thinks she remembers gets to be too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> This one is a bit angstier than usual (but still ends happily because that's how I roll.) Please pay attention to the tags.

“Why don’t you go see what’s on television?”

“Don’t wanna.”

Her crayons and pictures are spread haphazardly over the kitchen table, in stark contrast to the neat pile of reports that Maria is trying to work on next to her. Lately Maria has tried to leave their weekends free from work, especially now that she and Natasha have been trying to explore more of Natasha’s little side. But Natasha and Steve have just completed an op in Istanbul that had yielded more information than expected, and so finishing up the reports is taking longer than usual.

Natalia is not happy about this fact.

She knows she’s pushing it, knows that Maria is slightly annoyed with her, even though she’s pretty sure Maria wouldn’t ever say so, especially when Natasha is being little. They maybe should have waited until Maria could finish her work, before letting Natasha be little, but it’s a bit of a new discovery that after an op, Natasha realizes she actually _needs_ to be little. She’s noticed that after an op it relaxes her to color or to let herself play in the bathtub; Natasha hadn’t ever truly realized just how much missions can stress her out. So Maria has agreed to it, even if she needs to work, because one, she’s the director, and anything that helps her agents out is good by Maria, and two, Natasha is her girlfriend, and she’s pretty sure Maria will do anything for her.

But at this point, it might have been better to just wait.

It’s not that she doesn’t like sitting with Maria, even while she works. Even when Natasha isn’t little, they have a routine. She knows that on the weekends she and Maria will probably go grocery-shopping, or Maria will wash her laundry in that “fresh linen” scent that always reminds Natasha of what _home_ should smell like. Natasha knows that Maria will sometimes have work to do, and she’s oddly content with just curling up on the couch at Maria’s side and watching a movie. She doesn’t mind it because even when she’s deeply absorbed in being the director of SHIELD, Maria will sometimes pause and lay her hand on Natasha’s knee, just for a moment, as if she is reassuring herself that Natasha is, in fact, there. Or Natasha will hear Maria sigh out of frustration, will see Maria pinch the bridge of her nose because some junior agent has completely screwed up whatever they were meant to be doing. Or the council is coming down on Maria hard for something or other. And Natasha will reach out and pull Maria’s face towards hers for a kiss, and Maria’s eyes will sparkle in surprise.

Natasha likes being able to do that for her. She likes the fact that where she used to bring destruction and death, now Natasha can bring comfort, reassurance. It still surprises her that as much as she’s discovered that she might need Maria, Maria Hill might need Natasha just as much – if not a little more.

And when she’s little, like this weekend, they also have a routine. Either Natalia will show up at Maria’s apartment, or Maria in Natasha’s, and they’re both still a little shy and awkward. They’re still figuring things out, still trying to learn what works for them. And that’s fine; Natasha thinks she wouldn’t be able to do it any other way but in baby steps.

It always starts with Natasha asking Maria to hold her, because it’s in Maria’s firm, strong embrace that she feels anchored enough to let herself become small. So far they haven’t done much. They’re not ready to do anything major. They’ve researched together, mostly with Natasha on Maria’s lap as they pore through the various websites, articles, and videos. It’s been easy to learn what they absolutely will not do, a little more difficult to discover what they like. Natasha’s still in that stage where she’s embarrassed to admit that she likes to be little, so it’s hard for her to admit when she needs it. And it’s hard for Maria because she’s not used to it; she’d admitted to Natasha that she never thought she’d be doing this in a relationship, but that’s okay, because she’s learning that she likes it and it helps her take care of Natasha. So isn’t that what a relationship is meant to be, anyway? They’re just going about it a little differently. They’re not ready to go out in public with it yet, though they’ve researched and know that there are a few groups of like-minded people in their area that meet pretty regularly. They’ve just had breakfast and dinner together, and Natalia has played with Agent Scruff or colored with her new crayons, or watched cartoons curled up in Maria’s lap. And so far, that has been enough.

But today… Natalia feels out of sorts. Anxious, and probably more than little bored, even though there are new coloring pages and she still hasn’t colored that rainbow she promised Maria weeks ago. She’s restless, and her legs thump uselessly against her chair as she swings them back and forth. She’s not hungry – Maria had fed them a fabulous breakfast that morning, and it’s not quite lunchtime. She’s not cold, thanks to the brand-new Spider-Woman onesie in black and white and purple that Natasha had saved up a little extra money for. (Spider-Woman is awesome, and she thinks she’d like Gwen, if she ever met her.)

She’s tired, though. Last night when she was big she’d decided to spend the weekend in Maria’s apartment, and after Natasha and Maria did their big girl stuff together in bed, she’d tried to sleep. But every time she closed her eyes Natasha would see red, even though she was snuggled up in Maria’s arms, and Russia was far away.

Natalia’s eyes feel dry, and achy, and she can’t stop yawning.

“Why don’t you and Agent Scruff go lie down on the couch?”

“I don’t _want_ to!”

She folds her arms across her chest, glaring grumpily down at the picture of cats she’s been trying to color for the last hour. She likes coloring pictures of families, but this picture has just 2 kitties. The taller one has what she imagines to be soft black fur, and pretty blue eyes. The littler cat is an orange tabby with a mischievous grin. She wants to color them in a bright green field with pink flowers, but in her mind the sky is a hazy grey, and she doesn’t want to make the kittens sad.

“Well, then, what would you like to do, sweetheart?”

There’s an edge to Maria’s voice, and Natalia doesn’t like it, because she knows she’s making Maria angry. But she can’t help it. She’s tired, and she doesn’t know what to do with her arms and legs because she feels like even though she’s tired, she has energy running up and down her skin and it makes her want to run away.

“I don’t know.” She shrugs. Her fingers reach out to toy with Agent Scruff’s fur. He grins at her, lopsided, but it doesn’t make her smile back like usual. Today Agent Scruff doesn’t understand.

“Natalia, sweetheart, I have to get these reports done,” Maria says in a pleading tone. “It should only take me another hour and then we can do whatever you want. We could go to the park, would you like that?”

She shrugs again. “I guess.” She rubs her eyes and yawns again.

She’s been wanting to go to the park for days now. It would be so much fun to play on the swings, or maybe to go down the slide. Maybe she can convince Maria to go with her. But today she just doesn’t feel like the park. Natalia doesn’t really feel like anything, except detached and distant. It’s almost as if her world is jelly and she’s trying to swim through the red.

“Okay. Just let me finish these and then we’ll pack up for a picnic. I recorded some cartoons for you, why don’t you go see if there’s something you want to watch?”

She pulls herself reluctantly from her seat at the kitchen table. She hugs Scruff tight to her chest, her feet dragging as she makes her way to Maria’s living room and flops onto the couch. Maria’s apartment is different from Natasha’s; it’s weird for Natalia to be here when she’s little. Maria’s apartment is very neat and clean, with nothing out of place. It doesn’t look very lived in, unlike Natasha’s, which is always messy and somewhat thrown together. Almost as if she never truly expected to have a place she could regularly call home. She wants to be with Maria but she kind of thinks she wants to be back in her room, on her bed with her cardboard chest and her hair bows. Locked behind the safe door of her own secrets.

She picks up the remote and switches the tv on, greeted with a screen of shows Maria has recorded over the last week or two. She smiles a little when Natalia sees that Maria has saved the last five or so episodes of What’s New, Scooby Doo? She’s not sure if it’s for her or if it’s because Maria really likes Scooby Doo, but it makes Natalia feel a little fuzzy inside – and a little guilty.

Her hand tightens around the remote as her thumb presses the volume up, up, and up, hoping that Shaggy and Scooby’s hijinks will drown out the sudden uncertainty that threatens to overwhelm her.

“Hey!” Natalia’s head snaps over to see Maria standing in the doorway of the kitchen, her hand on her hip and a dark look on her face. She swallows hard, but doesn’t glance away.

“Natalia, that is entirely too loud for you, you’re going to hurt your ears. Turn it down, please.”

She thinks about behaving, of course she does. Maria is right, the volume is too loud and it does hurt Natalia’s head, a lot. But she’s tired and Maria is doing _reports_ instead of being with _her_. She wants Maria to stop thinking about work, to concentrate on Natalia and help calm whatever it is that seems to be going on inside of Natalia’s head.

One, two, three taps against the volume up button, and Natalia lifts her chin to Maria defiantly.

She doesn’t expect it when Maria marches over and yanks the remote out of her hand, reducing the volume of Scooby to a normal level. She stands in front of Natalia, blocking her view of the television, and Natalia scowls.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you,” Maria says, “But I swear, Natalia, if you keep this up, I… well, you’re going to find yourself over my knee with your pants pulled down for a good spanking.”

Maria stalks back to the kitchen, leaving Natalia sitting alone with wide eyes, unaware of the anxiety that had been in Maria’s voice. All she can focus on are the words.

_A good spanking._

Oh, Maria was so angry, Natalia thinks. She’s tried so hard to be a good girl, but now she’s been stupid and Maria is so angry.

_You’ve been a bad_ soldat _, Natalia. And bad_ soldats _are punished_.

She clenches her eyes shut, trying to block out the red but it can’t block out the sounds. Sharp swishes and cracks, growled words against harsh tears.

_Do not cry, Natalia. Only children cry._

She presses the volume button, up, up, up.

She’s so tired.

_You are not tired, Natalia. Being tired is for the weak. You do not have time to be weak; you have a job to do._

“All right, that is _enough_!”

The remote is wrenched from her hand once again and the television clicked off. Natalia doesn’t waste time to look up and see Maria standing in front of her. All she can think of is the inevitable pain, and she scuttles off the couch with Scruff in her arms, backing away and shaking her head until she hits the wall in an empty corner. She slides down it, her knees drawn to her chest. She presses her face into her bear; maybe if she’s small enough it won’t happen.

She can’t see the look of absolute alarm that crosses over Maria’s face, the sudden, dread realization that something has gone horribly, possibly irrevocably wrong.

“Hey. Natalia, sweetheart, hey.”

A gentle hand is under her chin; she finds her face being lifted up, and it’s only when Maria is blurry in front of her that Natalia realizes she’s crying.

“Don’t hit me,” she says suddenly. “ _Pozhaluysta_ , I’ll be a good girl, don’t hit me.”

She’s gasping for air a little, and then she feels Maria’s hand on her back. It moves in soft, steadying circles, and when Maria speaks, it’s confusing because she doesn’t sound angry at all; she sounds like she might start crying.

But hasn’t Natalia been bad?

“Breathe for me, _milaya_.”

_Milaya_. Sweetheart. Natalia hangs onto the word as she struggles to calm herself down.

“That’s it, in and out. There we go.” She feels Maria’s thumbs brushing her tears away, and Natalia blinks at her. She looks worried, sad.

“I d-don’t want a spanking,” Natalia says. “I’ll be good; I promise I’ll be good.”

She’s released her grip on Scruff with one of her hands and now it’s clutching at the bottom of Maria’s tee-shirt, feeling the smooth, comforting cotton against her fingers. Maria is knelt in front of her, but then she stands and Natalia squeaks because suddenly she’s being lifted into the air. Maria’s arms curl around her waist and under her legs as if Natalia is a baby, carrying her over to the couch.

Maria sits and tucks Natalia onto her lap, nestling the smaller girl under her chin and holding her tightly.

“I’m not going to spank you,” she says, once again rubbing Natalia’s back. “I guess that wasn’t one of my better ideas, was it, _milaya_?”

Natalia shakes her head miserably. She knows Maria didn’t mean to. She doesn’t know. No one ever really knows. She wraps one arm around Maria’s neck, the other still clinging to her teddy bear.

“I’m sorry, I thought that was what needed to happen to little girls when they’re naughty. But I’m not going to hit you, sweetheart. I promise.”

“It hurts,” she whimpers, closing her eyes against the onslaught of memories. “’cause they use sticks. Big sticks or-or straps. An’ I try to be good soldier, I really do. I want to be best soldier.” In her rambling she can vaguely hear a bit of the accent that Natasha still slips into sometimes, when she’s big and sometimes scared. When the past she thinks she remembers gets to be too much.

“But I mess up. I make Maria angry. I am bad soldier.”

“No,” Maria says firmly, and her arms tighten around Natalia. “No, sweetheart. I’m not angry. I was frustrated, but never angry. I’m… I’m sorry I made you feel that way, Natalia.”

“Not your fault,” she says with a shrug, and moves so that her face is buried in Maria’s neck. She breathes in the cleanness of her skin, the warm scent that makes her feel soft, and safe. Her mind begins to quiet, and she can’t fight back another yawn.

“You’re not a soldier anymore, Natalia,” Maria is saying. “You’re not a soldier, and you’re not bad.”

“They say Natalia is bad.”

“And they’re wrong,” Maria says, and she manages in their awkward position to press a kiss to Natalia’s cheek. “You’re a good girl who might sometimes do naughty things. But that’s okay, ‘cause I think that’s what little girls are supposed to do.”

“I’m supposed to be naughty?” She pulls back to look at Maria, incredulous.

“Okay, maybe not _supposed_ to be,” Maria says with a bit of a laugh. “But when it does, mom—uh, people like me need to understand that it happens, and we’re supposed to help our little girls understand why it shouldn’t.”

“Oh.” She’s not sure she gets it, but Natalia knows that Maria isn’t mad and it fills her with such relief that she buries herself in Maria’s chest again.

“But that means that you have to tell me why you felt like being naughty,” Maria says, and Natalia makes a face.

“M’tired,” she mumbles. “And you’re doing reports.”

“But what did I tell you when I asked you to go watch television?”

Natalia lets out a long sigh. “That you only had an hour left and when you were done we could go on a picnic.”

“Mmhm.” The corner of Maria’s lips is turned up in amusement, even if she still looks worried. “So _someone_ was impatient like she always is, isn’t she?”

“Yeah. Guess so.” Natalia fidgets, and Maria pats her back.

“So I guess you didn’t sleep well last night. You should’ve told me.”

Natalia shrugs. “Not important.”

“Yes,” Maria says, “Yes, it’s very important, and if you’re ever tired or you don’t feel good, you need to tell me, do you understand? I can’t take care of my sweetheart if I don’t know how she feels.”

She’s not used to being taken care of. Still, Natalia nods.

“All right.” Maria nudges Natalia off her lap so that she can stand up and take her hand. “I’m not going to spank you, sweetheart. Not now, or ever. I promise. But you still need to learn that you can’t just act out when you don’t feel well, is that clear?”

Maria is leading her over to the wall, pausing to grab something off the table that is next to the door.

“Okay, Maria,” Natalia says in a small voice. They stop at the far wall, across the living room, and she looks over at Maria questioningly.

Maria hands her a quarter. “I want you to hold that to the wall,” she says quietly. “Put your nose to the wall and hold it up. You stay there for three minutes and think about why you need to tell me how you’re feeling so we won’t make mistakes like we did today, all right?”

Natalia’s brow furrows, but she does as she’s told. She positions the quarter on the wall, shuffling closer and pressing her nose to it. She feels ridiculous, being given a time-out like she’s a _baby_ , but… it’s a little comforting. She’s not going to be spanked, but Maria has rules. And Natalia likes rules, likes knowing what she should do and what she shouldn’t. Likes it when she doesn’t have to worry about things, that Maria can worry about them for her and help decide what’s best.

Maria strokes Natalia’s hair for a moment, then pulls away. “Three minutes, sweetheart. That’s a good girl.”

She doesn’t like it when Maria moves from her; Natalia has discovered in the last few weeks that she craves affection, wants to have Maria’s arms around her or Maria’s hand on her, touching her in some way. And maybe that’s the point, that Maria is reminding her if she’s naughty she can’t have those things.

She’ll never be naughty again, Natalia decides.

(She hopes.)

Three minutes is harder than it sounds, though, especially when she has her nose pressed to a quarter. It itches, and she wants to sneeze, but Natalia’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to find out what might happen if she drops the quarter. She stands up straighter, presses her nose to the wall a little bit harder. She will not let the quarter fall.

She will be a good girl, like her mam- like Maria says she is.

She can hear Maria shuffling around behind her, can hear papers rustling and calm, even footsteps. Natalia is breathing slowly, now, even as some tears are still trickling down her cheeks, because she’s being punished, after all. But the world has settled back into that low, quiet hum she loves on these weekends, and if she wasn’t so exhausted, Natalia thinks she’d be happy.

“Time’s up!” Maria says cheerfully a little later, and she actually sounds as relieved as Natalia feels. She pulls her nose from the wall and lets the quarter drop into her hand before she turns around. She finds herself enveloped in a strong, warm hug, and Natalia sniffles.

“I’m sorry,” she says, and Maria squeezes her.

“I’m sorry too. But it’s over now. You were a very brave little girl to take your punishment, and I’m proud of you.”

“Really?”

She can’t imagine anyone being proud of her for taking a punishment.

“Mmhm.” Maria moves to take Natalia by the hand and lead her to the couch. Two soft pillows and a blanket that looks very warm are there, along with Agent Scruff.

“Now, I’m going to finish my reports, and you’re going to take a nap, little girl.”

“But I don’t-“ She’s interrupted by another yawn, and Natalia huffs at herself.

“Down you go,” Maria says with a laugh, and Natalia complies. She lays on the couch, her head against the pillows, and she can’t help but sigh happily. Maria hands her Scruff before draping the blanket over both of them.

“Where you going?” Natalia asks, a little distressed despite the fact that her eyes are already threatening to flutter closed.

“Right here,” Maria says. She settles onto the other end of the couch, reaching out to gently rub Natalia’s leg with her hand. “I’m going to finish up what I have to do, and I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Okay.” Reassured, Natalia pulls Scruff up under her chin and lets her eyes drift shut. Moments later, though, “Maria?”

“ _Da, milaya._ ”

Natalia hopes she can remember, when she’s big, to ask Maria when she started to learn Russian words. She likes it. But there’s another, pressing matter on her mind right now.

“Do… do you think I’m too big to suck my thumb?”

She’s not a _baby_. Natasha and Maria have figured out that when she’s little, Natalia is around five. Perfect to play with toys and color and wear pretty clothes with lacy socks, but not young enough to need diapers or a pacifier.

But… she feels warm, and safe, and happy. The couch is comfy and the pillows and blanket smell like Maria, and Maria’s hand is gentle against Natalia’s leg. And it makes her feel so _little_.

“Do you _want_ to suck your thumb?”

She’s quiet for a minute, then she nods, slightly. “Mmhm.”

“Then you should do whatever you want to do, sweetheart. If you want to suck your thumb, I’m okay with that.”

“’kay.”

Her eyes drift closed again. She feels Maria’s hand move away from her, hears the telltale sound of pen against paper. Natalia wiggles a little, burrowing herself deeper into the blanket and the pillows. It’s been a strange day, but the anxiety is fading away into nothingness. She was naughty, and she was punished, but Maria still cares for her, is still sat next to her with every intention of always being there.

Maybe being punished isn’t _so_ bad, Natalia thinks. It’s not _nice_ , but it’s not bad if it means she gets to feel safe and secure and, well… _loved_.

She isn’t a soldier anymore, Maria has told her. Even when she’s big, she doesn’t have to worry about being the best soldier. Especially not with Maria. Maybe whether she’s big or little, it doesn’t matter. She can be Natasha most of the time and Natalia sometimes. And maybe sometimes Maria will make mistakes and so will Natasha who is her girlfriend and Natalia who is her _milaya_. But that’s okay. Because all it really means are hugs and kisses, and naps and her nose to the wall.

She’s _safe_. Big or little, with Maria, she’s safe.

Her mouth opens slightly, and her thumb slips past her lips. She gives it a few experimental sucks, and decides she likes it, a lot. Natalia hums quietly to herself in contentment, sucking on her thumb and holding Scruff tightly to her.

She feels a few light pats to her bottom; the motion is soothing, and Natalia smiles a little around her thumb.

“Go to sleep,” she hears Maria say softly, and she does.


End file.
